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SCENE ONE OFFICE
SCENE OPENS WITH FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS BRIGGS: SHE IS OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND WALKS IN.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
FRANKLIN: MISS BRIGGS!
MISS IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING.
BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER AND A WIDER SNOUT.
FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS?
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD TELL
AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN START ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO THIS.
MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME IN CHARGE OF HER!
CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, YOURE THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY:
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE ON SATURDAY!
MISS NOT ANYMORE.
AW, COME ON!
MISS BRIGGS: ITS YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.

TWO MAIN HALLWAY
SCENE OPENS SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY
FOR SAYING YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
AND WHAT AM I AGAIN?
KID: AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE TIME
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
(STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
(IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA.
SAM:
(ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
CARLY: TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!

SCENE THREE CARLYS
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE AUDITIONS.
YEAH, BUT ILL JUST USE MY BROTHERS.
FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE.
WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
OPENS HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING SOME OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOURE SAYING IM
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND PIPE
SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN OF ME.
SPENCER: HELP ME STAND UP.
CARLY HELPS UP.
ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER.
GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA.
I WOULD
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
WHY NOT?
SPENCER STARTS AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS
OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM IN THE DOOR.
SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: CARLY WILL LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA.
(IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB A MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK?
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
WHAT YA THINK?
CARLY: I KNOW!
YOU DONT KNOW?
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
SCENE PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!
JUMP AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
THATS NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE.
SAM: OOH!
CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE.
SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
OPENS WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS APARTMENT AT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP!
CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM UP AND YAWNS.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT!
SAM: YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: WHATCHA
IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER
CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS!
SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE DIDNT THE AUDIOTIONS?
CARLY: NO. HE US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: US!
SURE IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES
ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM?
SAM:
(YELLING) THATS 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.